For a long time, I thought my problem was alcohol. Eventually I realized alcohol wasn’t originally my problem; it was simply my solution.
What was I trying to solve?
- My self-consciousness
- Anxiety
- Feelings of inferiority
- An irrational fear of other people hurting me
- Fear of embarrassment, humiliation, and rejection
- A deep-seated obsession about what others thought of me
- And the feeling that who I naturally was, wasn’t enough
Before alcohol came along, I had already developed another solution:
Become somebody the world would approve of:
- If people admire you, they can’t reject you.
- If you’re exceptional, they can’t humiliate you.
- If you’re funny, people will like you.
- If you’re successful, people respect you.
So, I learned to become:
- The superior athlete
- The smartest kid in the class
- The funny guy
- The successful businessman
- The guy with the impressive title & resume
- The wealthy guy with professional and social status
- And the husband with the perfect wife, children, and family
So, long before I became physically dependent upon alcohol, I had become dependent on external validation.
Carl Jung – Building the Persona
Jung used the word persona for the social and profession mask we present to the world. The persona isn’t necessarily dishonest. We all need one. The problem comes when we become so identified with the mask that we mistake it for our true, authentic selves.
“I became extraordinarily good at becoming the person I thought other people wanted me to be.”
And it worked!
The world rewarded that persona:
- Good grades = praise
- Athletic success = admiration
- Funny = acceptance
- Wall Street Executive = prestige
- Money = status
The perfect spouse, family, house, club, social circles, job, and social media presence were all proof that I’d made it!
But there was a problem:
“If you self-worth comes from maintaining the persona you’ve created, you can never stop performing.”
And THAT IS EXHAUSTING!
Underneath all those accomplishments, facades, and carefully positioned representations of myself was still the kid who was wondering:
Am I enough?
Then I discovered Alcohol
Alcohol did something achievement couldn’t do. It gave me instant relief. Instead working my way out of insecurity, I realized I could drink my way out of it.
- Self-Consciousness became Confidence
- Anxiousness became relaxation
- Inferior became equal or “better than”
- Fearful become Fearless
- Uncomfortable in my own skin became comfort
And that’s why saying “alcohol is bad for you” or “If you would just quit drinking” means very little to an alcoholic.
For me, alcohol worked, until it didn’t.
AA gave me the language to help explain this: alcohol had become the solution to my spiritual maladies, but once I started drinking, I eventually lost the ability to reliably control where it ended.
Then the paradox, the circular reference, and the “catch 22” of needing alcohol to solve me issues, became my biggest problem.
I couldn’t (or didn’t know how to) survive in this world, in my skin without it, and at the same time, my solution was destroying everything in my world.
Success and Alcohol become two versions of the same solution
I essentially had two medications for the same wounds
Achievement changed how I thought other people saw me.
Alcohol changed how I felt about myself.
Neither changed what I believed about my inherent worth as a human being and I kept accumulating evidence that should have made me feel good about myself, but it didn’t.
When both of my solutions stopped working
Career success, money, marriage, family, social and professional status, and more alarmingly, alcohol was no longer working for me.
In fact, alcohol began taking away the very persona I had worked so hard to develop and after losing everything valuable in life, I was eventually forced to confront the person that I had become.
I thought sobriety would become answer, but it wasn’t.
Sure, getting sober removed alcohol and all its negative impacts from the equation, but then came this uncomfortable dilemma:
“If alcohol had been my solution, what was I going to replace it with?”
And “Who am I if I’m no longer maintaining this fake persona and performing for everyone else?”
When you begin stripping away all the things you used to rely on for validation, you start asking different questions:
- Who am I?
- What do I actually believe?
- What truly matters to me?
- Who does God want me to become?
- What do I want the rest of my life to stand for?
The Real Solutions – Authenticity, Faith, and Purpose
Recovery became far more than simply abstinence. I began learning that my self-worth doesn’t have to be earned every day.
- I can pursue excellence without using accomplishment to prove my worth
- I can enjoy recognition without NEEDING it
- I can experience uncomfortable emotions without needing to escape from them
- I can allow people to disagree with, dislike, and be uninterested in me
- I can fail without branding myself as a failure
- I can be imperfect without becoming a worthless disappointment
Most importantly, I learned that my value isn’t determined by the world’s assessment of me.
I’m still not there yet, but I’ve made an enormous shift from the kid desperately trying to become someone nobody could reject.
Where is the journey leading me?
I realized that my story wasn’t really about alcoholism, it was about becoming the kind of person that can make a difference in the lives of others and in this world. I am trying to move from:
- Dependence on money, status, titles, and other’s opinions of me towards true independence, responsibility, and agency.
- An identity I believe the world wanted towards authenticity.
- Inferiority towards competence
- Self interest and selfishness towards purpose
- Inherited and blindly accepted beliefs toward a more mature faith
- Personal ambition towards “a calling”
- Theoretical conviction towards courageous action
I’ve still got a long way to go, but for once in my life, I’m feeling comfortable in my own skin, excited about the future, and ready to live a life that truly matters!